March 14/13

I couldn't say much yesterday, because the grief was too raw. 

We knew we were doing the right thing for Max...he was clearly dying, and we couldn't let him suffer slowly.  But knowing this doesn't make it any easier to do.  The vet was very, very kind and gentle, both with Max and with us.  She explained every step of the process and encouraged us to just love him and be with him. 

When it was over, and little Max's heart had gently stopped, she left us to be with him and grieve.  And I broke down, overwhelmed with loss and guilt.  I could only think, 'What have I done?' and 'If I had only gotten him checked out sooner, we could have started treatment sooner.' and worst of all, 'Why couldn't I save him?'

There's a huge hole in my life now.  That little baby boy has been in my life for 16 years.  I remember when we first saw him.  Us kids decided to get mum a cat for Mother's Day.  Karyne and I went to the SPCA in Yellowknife.  The first pass through the kennels, we had missed him.  There were several older cats, but we decided we needed a younger cat.  One of the shelter cats had just had a litter a couple of weeks before, and we went to see them...they were just opening their eyes for the first time.  But they were far too young, and we wouldn't be able to get one until several weeks after Mother's Day.  We went back to the kennels, and suddenly, there he was. 

A 10 week old tiny, sleek, little white baby boy called "Kurt." 

He was napping in the back when we first came through, but as we came back, he was awake, and furiously rubbing himself against the wire cage door, almost beckoning us to take him home on the spot.  Unfortunately, there was a note on his door indicating he was spoken for.  The shelter staff indicated that he might be picked up the next day, but that they weren't certain.  Karyne and I took a risk: we said that if the other person didn't take him, we would.

Two days later, Karyne got the call: "Kurt" was ours if we wanted him.  We put down the money right away.  The little white kitten was ours.  A few days later, we surprised Mum with him.  That little baby boy, named Max within a couple of days, stole all of our hearts, even Dad's. 

When Max was sent to live with me four years later, I was done in.  My baby boy, through and through.  I'll always love him.  But I wonder if I will always feel the guilt of not being able to save him.

Alleviation...

...Wish you were here.