July 22/13

This is a Vanity alert: read no further if you don't want to hear me brag on my mad shopping skillz and the second most-challenging item for women to purchase: the bathing suit.

So, if you know me in real life, you know I tended to be on the rather thin side as I grew up.  Some of the less-kind remarks about my frame were "Bag of Bones" "So skinny you make me sick" "Anorexic Bitch" and a rather unflattering, humiliating remark about my chances at a future career in modelling at my Grad dinner (side note: about ten weeks later, I declined a modelling scout's offer...go figure.) for good measure.  Okay, I got the point, and I think you do too.

Anyway, as chance would have it, I ended up working in a swimwear store for several months, where I learned that, aside from bras, bathing suits are the second worst item for women to shop for, due to our brutal self-consciousness.  It was no less an awful experience for me too, when we'd have to try on the merchandise so we would know what selling points we could try out.  It was brutal, hearing those old awful remarks ringing in my ears.

But before this turns into an all-out boo-hoo, poor-pitiful-me post (too late?), working in the store sure taught me a thing or two about shopping for the right swimwear.

For instance, most women make the same mistake: in an effort to minimize the hips, they go for the low-cut leg when they should be looking for a higher-cut to lengthen the legs and draw attention to the vertical instead of the horizontal.  I know that it's instinct to go for the low-cut leg to hide more of the skin though, so I could only discuss the high-cut option and remind customers that what's best for them is what they feel most comfortable in.  I also know that tummy control can be a frigging lifesaver for some, while strategically-placed extra-padding can go a long way for others.  Let's face it, none of us will ever be entirely happy with our bodies, but there are little tricks to helping us feel more confident.

In the last few years, I've put on some weight, and while I'm good at hiding it, the abdominal area is a growing concern (pun alert).  I'm still thin, but now I've got some truly unflattering, flabby rolls.  You know those colourful, stackable Fisher Price plastic rings with the yellow pole that we all had as infants?  Yeah.  That.  It's not exactly the kind of body I want to show off in my bikinis, so tonight I decided to try some one-piece suits.  I'm 34, and while that's still quite young, it's also getting on time that I'm starting to feel ridiculous in cutesy little two piece suits.

Well, I grabbed a lot of suits, and quickly remembered how the wrong cut and detailing could flatten my chest right out!  I looked like a pear.  Rookie mistake, Fancy...forgetting your training.  Well, I gathered myself and all the offending suits, and headed back out on the floor to try again.  A new armload of suits later, I headed back into the torture chamber fitting room, and damn if my old tips and tricks for swimsuit shopping didn't yield the desired results, and I ran into the opposite problem of having too many options to choose from.

It's taken about 15 years, but I finally learned to rock the one-piece.

Where's the beach!?

Love yourself...

...Wish you were here.